Hey friends!! I’m going to share something here, that I wasn’t sure if I would share… it was information kept on the “down low” if you will… but I think it might be important to tell my story… maybe it could help someone else?! I never intended for this to be a “secret”, I just wasn’t going to publish the information, but I think it’s a good idea to get it out, to “talk about it” in a way. If you ever have a question for me about what you read, or ever want to talk if you have been through, or are going through a similar situation… feel free to send me a message. I am a talker, I’ll talk to most anyone… I want to help. There is a reason for things that happen… good or bad, I don’t know what that reason is, but I surely wouldn’t want to miss my part in making this situation an easier place!
This has been a challenging week in our world at the Cusano house. I know of several families who have had hard weeks this past week! I hope everyone is finding some solace in God’s love!!! Sometimes though, that can be much easier said than done. God has a reason for everything he does, I do know that. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven”. Sometimes it is hard to hold fast to those truths we know so well… we let grief and self pity leech in and take over our crying soul! The flesh is always there, whether a person has Christ in their lives or not, it’s an ever present force fighting against us… TRYING it’s best to overcome the spirit that lives within us. BUT, with God ALL things are possible… ALL things!!!
This past week, we found out we had lost what we thought would be our fourth child entering this world, due on Christmas day. I had decided to wait on “announcing” the pregnancy publicly because I didn’t want to have to come back and “un-announce” if anything happened. I was twelve weeks into my fifth pregnancy (we lost another baby back in February 2004). I was having some anxiety and wanting to hear this child’s heartbeat, so I set up an appointment to go in earlier than my scheduled check-up (which was to be this Wednesday, I would have been 13 1/2 weeks along. My doctor was on vacation this past week, which is why I had to wait a week past the normal 12 week check in a pregnancy) to listen for heart tones on our baby. It was a nurse visit, and she attempted to pick up the heartbeat with what they call a doppler device that listens for the tones through my abdomen. She was unable to find one, but thought she was hearing some flutters and couldn’t find baby under my own heart rhythm. The nurse sent me back to the ultrasound technician there in our office to check and see what was going on. The tech ran a scan, I knew there was most likely a problem,because she wasn’t getting right to “the good news” she was poking around and measuring and asking questions… I’ve had enough ultrasounds in my day to know what a heartbeat looks like and I hadn’t seen one on this scan yet… there was not one. Our baby had died. Our baby only measured about nine weeks along, which means the baby had been dead for about three weeks. :( I had my two little girls with me, so both myself and the ultrasound tech were trying hard to keep things low key and not make a huge deal. When I did start to tear up, Chloe asked me if I was sad because daddy wasn’t here? I told her YES! That was definitely a reason to be sad!!! Thankfully she came up with her own reason for me to be sad, because I wasn’t ready to tell them what had happened just yet. They set me up with a doctors visit right away, and one of the nice nurse staff came and took the girls to color and have juice boxes in another room. I talked with the doctor, we discussed all my options and the most likely reasons that this sort of thing happens.
What I had is most commonly known as a “missed miscarriage”. They are not all that common in a pregnancy though, only a small amount of miscarriages are the “missed” sort. The number one cause of a missed miscarriage is an abnormality in the chromosomal makeup of the baby. This sort of complication is just not compatible with life. My doctor assured me it was nothing that I did, or could have done. Even if we would have known exactly what was wrong and exactly what would happen, there was nothing they or I could have done to prevent this. It doesn’t make the situation one bit easier to handle, this was my child I was carrying… even though it was only nine weeks into gestation, this was a real life, I saw the heartbeat of this baby at only 6 weeks along, via ultrasound! A LOT has happened by nine weeks into a pregnancy, all of the baby’s vital parts are formed and in place, the heart has separated into it’s four separate chambers, it’s really quite amazing!!! This was really a little life that we lost and that is exactly how it feels!!!
One very positive thing that this situation does is makes me very EXTRA thankful for the three beautiful lives I have been able to successfully bring into this world! I SO love my girls and hugging them is a bit sweeter these days! I hug a little tighter each time,they are so special to me and I am so very thankful for them and who they are and all that they mean to me and my husband! I’m also so very thankful to have a great husband through this sort of trial. He deals with this sort of thing differently than I do, I am very emotional, I still have those crazy hormones giving me grief as well, so that just heightens the situation all the more. My poor husband, I know he doesn’t always know exactly what to do with me ;), but he does a great job and is there for me and my girls! The little girls didn’t seem to be too phased by this… they don’t understand everything going on, but our sweet Ainsley knew exactly what all of this meant and was very sad right away. Her and I had our good cry together and then took a nice nap with each other! She is a sweet, sweet girl and I hate to see her upset and sad! She and daddy had a good talk later on while going to the store together too, and that helped her understand better and start healing a little! That girl and her daddy have a special relationship that I am so thankful for! Often times he does better talking with her and getting her to tell what is on her mind than I can! (JERK! ;) JUST KIDDING!!!!!) I am happy she confides in him so freely, and I informed Mike a LONG time back that I took the baby years on, he gets the teenage years!!! :) The thing is, I think he’ll handle it with no problem!!! :) He is a great daddy!!! (HAPPY FATHER’S DAY MIKE!!!)
My doctor and I decided that it would probably be best for me to go ahead with a surgical procedure called a D&C to remove the pregnancy. All the factors involved seemed to favor moving ahead with that decision. I had the surgery this past Tuesday afternoon. I had the absolute BEST team of caregivers on my side that day. They did an EXCELLENT job of taking care of me! From the lady who checked me in at the desk to the final nurse who wheeled me out to my car, post-procedure, the staff at Bronson Methodist Hospital is TOP-notch and the very best around!!! I couldn’t say more about the care I was given! They were GREAT!!!! I wish I could do more to thank each one of them… during a situation like that, it takes a special person to care for the patient, they are having a rough time and need tender care, they ALL had what it took and then some!!! The recovery process was pretty quick, physically.
We decided to have our precious baby buried at the sight we buried our other baby in 2004. There is a wonderful funeral home in Plainwell, MI with a service just for still born and miscarried babies. They have a special plot dedicated for these babies to be buried. This used to be a completely free service, when we used it in 2004, we didn’t pay a penny. They do have a small fee now, as the times have changed and they do have costs that go into offering these services. They pick the baby’s remains up from the hospital for us, wrap the baby appropriately and bury them for us. It’s a nice thing to have a place to visit and remember this child of ours for years to come! We now have two babies to go and remember even though we know they are both safe in the arms of Jesus, not in that dirty ground!!! Heaven got sweeter to us, six years ago, when our first baby went home to be with Jesus at around 13 weeks gestation… now we have two babies up there waiting for us to arrive and meet them someday. I am thankful for the promise of heaven we can have and hold on to, even in days when I am weary, days when I wonder why, why, why???… God is still there, waiting for me to look to him and take his hand and just walk with him. He’s ready to carry me, I don’t even have to walk!!!
A friend of mine on facebook had a few lyrics from a song on her page this week… I stole them and put them on my status as well. :) They are a real comfort and a real truth to remember in time of hardship!
“God is too wise to be mistaken…God is too good to be unkind…so when you don’t understand, when you can’t see His plan, when you can’t feel His hand – trust His heart”
Wow, that is good stuff isn’t it?!?! :)
Thank you to my friends and family that were praying and sending me special notes and even flowers!!! It was HUGE to know others cared… to know we were NOT alone in this, even when there were many times I felt like I was!!! THANK YOU… never think that there is such a thing as too much care and concern… a note can mean so very much!!!
We don’t know what the future holds now for our family… we look forward to God’s plan and what he has for us. Only he knows the perfect path for the Cusano family!!
“As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.” 2 Samuel 22:31